Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful for the peace and confidence that come with making a difficult decision.  I'm grateful for miracles that happen every day around me and a Savior and Father in Heaven who care about me enough to provide the peace and miracles that I need to progress in my life.

Thankful thoughts...uncomfortable questions, answered prayers, and change...

Last week I briefly talked about therapy.  The question that I didn't talk about was, "what happens if you don't change anything?"  At the time, my answer was nothing. Nothing changes. I keep going day after day and continue being miserable...and eventually I would snap.  I would either have a physical or mental breakdown and it wouldn't be pretty.  Rather than contain that thought and those feelings, my therapist told me she wanted me to take those thoughts and feelings with me so I could mull them over.  It worked. By Monday I had decided that the reason that my cold lasted so long was because because it was the beginning of my breakdown. By Tuesday, I was ready for the beginning of the emotional breakdown.  I had an employee go over my head and do something after I told her not to. That was it. That was the moment. I literally sat on the floor in my office and cried. Ugly cried. Like I haven't done in years. I didn't know what to do.  I prayed and said something along the lines of, "Heavenly Father, I am so unhappy and I don't know what to do about it." I somehow managed to pull myself together. I was downstairs sending a fax, when I looked out the window and saw my friend Misty.  She used to be an MA in the clinic. She has moved on to get a masters and doctorate and is now a mental health counselor. She's the one that recommended that I should see a therapist.  She's starting some contract work in the clinic and came by to check on an email that she had received that she thought was for us.  It wasn't for us, but it brought her to exactly where she was supposed to be and where I needed her to be.  She could tell that something was wrong.  She talked to me through some of my frustration and fear.  I was so grateful that she came. I told her that she was literally an answer to prayer. By the time she left, I knew I had to make some changes. Before I left that day I talked to my boss. I told him all of the thoughts and feelings that I had. He was kind and understanding. I told him that I needed a change. I told him that I would work until I go to London and I wouldn't come back after that. He accepted it. (I may have cried during that conversation too-I don't know why I bothered with mascara that day. It was gone by 11:00.) I haven't felt peace like that in a LONG time. I don't know exactly what is going to happen this summer, but I have learned to look forward to the change. It will be good for me and I feel peace.

Thankful Sunday...thoughts

So I missed last week. I thought about it as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep last week, but I didn't do anything about it. I was trying really hard to get myself back on a sleep schedule after being sick. It kind of worked. Not really. I think it's going to take a while for me to kick this cold.
This week I am thankful for quiet moments that allow me to recognize miracles, blessings, and opportunities.
I've been meeting with a therapist trying to work through some things that have happened at work over that past few years. One thing that we discussed this week was the fact that a lot of people have a hard time just being quiet. They can't sit by themselves and be still. Phones come out bringing a world of distraction and people are so happy to be lost in the discontent otherwise known as the internet. The question that started this conversation was "what would make you happy right now?" That's not a hard or loaded question at all. It's been on my mind. A LOT. I don't know if I have a good or perfect answer, but there are small things that I have been incorporating in my life that have helped a lot.  I have sewed 2 baby blankets and 2 quilts this year. I have been reading a lot more than I have in my more recent past. (I think I'm up to 10 books this year so far.) I've been coloring? That's new for me, but it's been nice.
I've been re-evaluating what makes me happy, where I currently am, and where I want to be. I think the thing that I have realized is that until I make myself a priority, no one else will. No one can tell me what will make me happy. No one will tell me to do the things that will make me happy. I have to do this myself.  Reading this makes me feel like I am not exactly an optimistic or happy person. I am. I have prided that quality in myself for a long time. I am learning that there are multiple kinds of optimism.  The optimism that I know is finding good in the world around me.  I'm good at that. I've learned to see miracles everywhere. The optimism that I am learning is to create my own. I can be the master of my destiny. I can act. I can create. I don't have to wait and find beauty. I can make it.

Thankful Sunday...magic

So...this is where the previously mentioned flight to Orlando gets explained.  I invited myself on a trip to Disney World with my brother's family.  I took a red-eye flight out of Salt Lake. I landed in Florida at 5 something in the morning and hit the ground running. We spent a day at Magic Kingdom, a day at Animal Kingdom, and a day at Epcot. I am so grateful that I got to go with little people.

Thankful Sunday...Be prepared

So I missed writing this one last week, but I have thought about it all week long.  Last Sunday night I caught a plane to Orlando (more on that to come), but only after a nearly two and a half hour drive to get to the airport.  It was the middle of a storm. Traffic moved slowly and people were irresponsible on the roads. My driver was willing to slow down, take his time, follow the big trucks, pull over to make sure that he could see through his windshield, and just make sure that he got me to the airport safely. We made it. He was prepared; we were safe. I was so grateful. 

Thankful Sunday...Perspective

I went snow shoeing with a couple of friends yesterday.  Quiet and nature have a tendency to make me think.  We were talking about books when one of us stopped rather dramatically to look at a bug making it's way across the snow.  It was probably in the 40s, but she was still flabbergasted by the fact that the bug was not hibernating, but wandering around on the snow.  When she stopped to inspect it, it quit moving and the thought came to my mind that it was trying to blend in. You know...with the dirt. If I don't move, they won't see me, yes? Then for some reason I thought of the life span of a bug. That poor bug probably won't know anything other than a world covered with snow. While I love winter, I can't imagine a life with nothing but winter. It made me exceptionally grateful for a lifespan that allows for seasons-multiple times over. I'm grateful that I live in a part of the world that has seasons.  There's nothing quite like a summer evening.  There's nothing like a first snowfall. There's nothing quite like a meadow covered with snow. Lucky me gets them all.
Other moment of perspective.  I went to the movies on Friday night.  I saw Mary Poppins Returns. It won't win any awards. It won't change the world. I enjoyed it very much and it was exactly what I needed.  As I have been setting goals for this year and for my life the question that keeps crossing my mind is 'What do I need?' I don't know. I guess that's why it's the question for the year. I had a perfect moment of clarity while I was sitting in the dark, watching the street lighters dance and do tricks on their bikes. That's what I need. I need to slow down, enjoy a movie, spend time with those dear to me, and listen and watch for those moments of clarity.  They're there. The trick is to watch for them.

Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful that the government is up and running again. I hope that the powers that be can continue to work together.