Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful for the peace and confidence that come with making a difficult decision.  I'm grateful for miracles that happen every day around me and a Savior and Father in Heaven who care about me enough to provide the peace and miracles that I need to progress in my life.

Thankful thoughts...uncomfortable questions, answered prayers, and change...

Last week I briefly talked about therapy.  The question that I didn't talk about was, "what happens if you don't change anything?"  At the time, my answer was nothing. Nothing changes. I keep going day after day and continue being miserable...and eventually I would snap.  I would either have a physical or mental breakdown and it wouldn't be pretty.  Rather than contain that thought and those feelings, my therapist told me she wanted me to take those thoughts and feelings with me so I could mull them over.  It worked. By Monday I had decided that the reason that my cold lasted so long was because because it was the beginning of my breakdown. By Tuesday, I was ready for the beginning of the emotional breakdown.  I had an employee go over my head and do something after I told her not to. That was it. That was the moment. I literally sat on the floor in my office and cried. Ugly cried. Like I haven't done in years. I didn't know what to do.  I prayed and said something along the lines of, "Heavenly Father, I am so unhappy and I don't know what to do about it." I somehow managed to pull myself together. I was downstairs sending a fax, when I looked out the window and saw my friend Misty.  She used to be an MA in the clinic. She has moved on to get a masters and doctorate and is now a mental health counselor. She's the one that recommended that I should see a therapist.  She's starting some contract work in the clinic and came by to check on an email that she had received that she thought was for us.  It wasn't for us, but it brought her to exactly where she was supposed to be and where I needed her to be.  She could tell that something was wrong.  She talked to me through some of my frustration and fear.  I was so grateful that she came. I told her that she was literally an answer to prayer. By the time she left, I knew I had to make some changes. Before I left that day I talked to my boss. I told him all of the thoughts and feelings that I had. He was kind and understanding. I told him that I needed a change. I told him that I would work until I go to London and I wouldn't come back after that. He accepted it. (I may have cried during that conversation too-I don't know why I bothered with mascara that day. It was gone by 11:00.) I haven't felt peace like that in a LONG time. I don't know exactly what is going to happen this summer, but I have learned to look forward to the change. It will be good for me and I feel peace.

Thankful Sunday...thoughts

So I missed last week. I thought about it as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep last week, but I didn't do anything about it. I was trying really hard to get myself back on a sleep schedule after being sick. It kind of worked. Not really. I think it's going to take a while for me to kick this cold.
This week I am thankful for quiet moments that allow me to recognize miracles, blessings, and opportunities.
I've been meeting with a therapist trying to work through some things that have happened at work over that past few years. One thing that we discussed this week was the fact that a lot of people have a hard time just being quiet. They can't sit by themselves and be still. Phones come out bringing a world of distraction and people are so happy to be lost in the discontent otherwise known as the internet. The question that started this conversation was "what would make you happy right now?" That's not a hard or loaded question at all. It's been on my mind. A LOT. I don't know if I have a good or perfect answer, but there are small things that I have been incorporating in my life that have helped a lot.  I have sewed 2 baby blankets and 2 quilts this year. I have been reading a lot more than I have in my more recent past. (I think I'm up to 10 books this year so far.) I've been coloring? That's new for me, but it's been nice.
I've been re-evaluating what makes me happy, where I currently am, and where I want to be. I think the thing that I have realized is that until I make myself a priority, no one else will. No one can tell me what will make me happy. No one will tell me to do the things that will make me happy. I have to do this myself.  Reading this makes me feel like I am not exactly an optimistic or happy person. I am. I have prided that quality in myself for a long time. I am learning that there are multiple kinds of optimism.  The optimism that I know is finding good in the world around me.  I'm good at that. I've learned to see miracles everywhere. The optimism that I am learning is to create my own. I can be the master of my destiny. I can act. I can create. I don't have to wait and find beauty. I can make it.

Thankful Sunday...magic

So...this is where the previously mentioned flight to Orlando gets explained.  I invited myself on a trip to Disney World with my brother's family.  I took a red-eye flight out of Salt Lake. I landed in Florida at 5 something in the morning and hit the ground running. We spent a day at Magic Kingdom, a day at Animal Kingdom, and a day at Epcot. I am so grateful that I got to go with little people.

Thankful Sunday...Be prepared

So I missed writing this one last week, but I have thought about it all week long.  Last Sunday night I caught a plane to Orlando (more on that to come), but only after a nearly two and a half hour drive to get to the airport.  It was the middle of a storm. Traffic moved slowly and people were irresponsible on the roads. My driver was willing to slow down, take his time, follow the big trucks, pull over to make sure that he could see through his windshield, and just make sure that he got me to the airport safely. We made it. He was prepared; we were safe. I was so grateful. 

Thankful Sunday...Perspective

I went snow shoeing with a couple of friends yesterday.  Quiet and nature have a tendency to make me think.  We were talking about books when one of us stopped rather dramatically to look at a bug making it's way across the snow.  It was probably in the 40s, but she was still flabbergasted by the fact that the bug was not hibernating, but wandering around on the snow.  When she stopped to inspect it, it quit moving and the thought came to my mind that it was trying to blend in. You know...with the dirt. If I don't move, they won't see me, yes? Then for some reason I thought of the life span of a bug. That poor bug probably won't know anything other than a world covered with snow. While I love winter, I can't imagine a life with nothing but winter. It made me exceptionally grateful for a lifespan that allows for seasons-multiple times over. I'm grateful that I live in a part of the world that has seasons.  There's nothing quite like a summer evening.  There's nothing like a first snowfall. There's nothing quite like a meadow covered with snow. Lucky me gets them all.
Other moment of perspective.  I went to the movies on Friday night.  I saw Mary Poppins Returns. It won't win any awards. It won't change the world. I enjoyed it very much and it was exactly what I needed.  As I have been setting goals for this year and for my life the question that keeps crossing my mind is 'What do I need?' I don't know. I guess that's why it's the question for the year. I had a perfect moment of clarity while I was sitting in the dark, watching the street lighters dance and do tricks on their bikes. That's what I need. I need to slow down, enjoy a movie, spend time with those dear to me, and listen and watch for those moments of clarity.  They're there. The trick is to watch for them.

Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful that the government is up and running again. I hope that the powers that be can continue to work together.

Thankful Sunday: Rexburg, Idaho

I just got home from a fabulous weekend. Traditionally this is my girl power weekend. For the past 3 years, I have gone to Bryce Canyon with a dozen women who are brilliant, successful, happy, and inspiring.  We have skied, snow shoed, and hiked. We play games and laugh and learn and grow from each other. It's one of my favorite weekends of the year.  Due to the current government shutdown and some crazy schedules, we opted to not go to Bryce this year. One of these dear friends of mine just purchased a house in Rexburg, Idaho.  She teaches at BYU-Idaho. We decided to go check out her new home take advantage of the great Idaho snow at Mesa Falls and Harriman State Park.  It was a fabulous weekend. Somehow, in the planning of this weekend, I missed the fact that I was going BACK to Rexburg. It didn't hit me until we got off the freeway. I went to Ricks College and BYU Idaho. I started the process of defining myself as an adult.  I learned how to live with people who were not immediate family.  I made new friends, some of whom are still my friends 17 years later. (It's mind-boggling that I can say that.) I learned how to think for myself. I learned how to find people who agree with me. I learned how to deal with people who disagree with me. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia when I saw the hill. There's a temple on the horizon now and there isn't a place in the world that isn't more deserving of it.
This weekend only made my love of southeast Idaho stronger. We snowshoed in a beautiful storm, clear air, and with great company. We ate good food (Big Juds!!!), played games, and new to the weekend, we did yoga (one of the girls is a counselor for battered women and children and a therapeutic yoga instructor. She wins ALL the points.) I came home relaxed and rejuvenated. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me. He sent me to Rexburg when I needed to be there so I could meet the people that I needed to meet. He has given me the friends that I need now to get me through my current set of trials. I am watched over and blessed and grateful for it.

Thankful Sunday: Books. Good books.

Yesterday I woke up without an alarm clock and planned to not leave my bed until I finished reading a book that I had had been given for Christmas.  I did leave my bed briefly to eat pancakes, (shout out to the roommate for that one!) but returned quickly to finish TASTING THE SKY: A PALESTINIAN CHILDHOOD. Not going to lie...this is not what I typically would have picked off the shelf at the library or the bookstore, but I'm grateful for friends with different taste from my own. The protagonist found a friend as a refugee during the Six-Day War in a piece of chalk.  Her friend was Alef, the first letter of the Arabic alphabet.  As time went on and she learned and grew, she realized that Alef had other friends and that she was able to find another world in letters and words.  How many times has this happened to me?!  Throughout my life, I have found many friends through letters and words, the March sisters, the Alden siblings, Huckleberry Finn, the Bennets and Darcys and Bingleys, Reuven Malter and Danny Saunders, there are entire worlds...I think I could literally list a thousand friends that I have found through books. I have found strength in their struggles. I have found peace in their wisdom.  I am grateful that I found a love for them all at an early age and that love has continued with me into adulthood.

Thankful Thursday...

As I thought about goals that I would like to set for this year, one thing that kept crossing my mind was gratitude.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and studying on the power of positivity and the changes that gratitude cause in my attitude.  I had a friend that for a couple of semesters had a "Thankful Thursday" every week and posted one thing that she was grateful for.  I wanted to do that this year however Thursday came and went and I was too busy to put my thoughts on paper (or screen as the case may be). Instead, I think I am going to take advantage of an extra hour on my Sundays and organize my thoughts then.  That being said...

I am thankful for appreciation.  It is much easier to serve and work when you know that your efforts are appreciated. I am not a front and center kind of girl. I don't want to be an MVP, but it sure is nice to hear, "thanks for always being dependable and doing it right the first time and making sure that it all gets done." I should probably say things like that more...

Happy Sunday!