Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful for the peace and confidence that come with making a difficult decision.  I'm grateful for miracles that happen every day around me and a Savior and Father in Heaven who care about me enough to provide the peace and miracles that I need to progress in my life.

Thankful thoughts...uncomfortable questions, answered prayers, and change...

Last week I briefly talked about therapy.  The question that I didn't talk about was, "what happens if you don't change anything?"  At the time, my answer was nothing. Nothing changes. I keep going day after day and continue being miserable...and eventually I would snap.  I would either have a physical or mental breakdown and it wouldn't be pretty.  Rather than contain that thought and those feelings, my therapist told me she wanted me to take those thoughts and feelings with me so I could mull them over.  It worked. By Monday I had decided that the reason that my cold lasted so long was because because it was the beginning of my breakdown. By Tuesday, I was ready for the beginning of the emotional breakdown.  I had an employee go over my head and do something after I told her not to. That was it. That was the moment. I literally sat on the floor in my office and cried. Ugly cried. Like I haven't done in years. I didn't know what to do.  I prayed and said something along the lines of, "Heavenly Father, I am so unhappy and I don't know what to do about it." I somehow managed to pull myself together. I was downstairs sending a fax, when I looked out the window and saw my friend Misty.  She used to be an MA in the clinic. She has moved on to get a masters and doctorate and is now a mental health counselor. She's the one that recommended that I should see a therapist.  She's starting some contract work in the clinic and came by to check on an email that she had received that she thought was for us.  It wasn't for us, but it brought her to exactly where she was supposed to be and where I needed her to be.  She could tell that something was wrong.  She talked to me through some of my frustration and fear.  I was so grateful that she came. I told her that she was literally an answer to prayer. By the time she left, I knew I had to make some changes. Before I left that day I talked to my boss. I told him all of the thoughts and feelings that I had. He was kind and understanding. I told him that I needed a change. I told him that I would work until I go to London and I wouldn't come back after that. He accepted it. (I may have cried during that conversation too-I don't know why I bothered with mascara that day. It was gone by 11:00.) I haven't felt peace like that in a LONG time. I don't know exactly what is going to happen this summer, but I have learned to look forward to the change. It will be good for me and I feel peace.

Thankful Sunday...thoughts

So I missed last week. I thought about it as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep last week, but I didn't do anything about it. I was trying really hard to get myself back on a sleep schedule after being sick. It kind of worked. Not really. I think it's going to take a while for me to kick this cold.
This week I am thankful for quiet moments that allow me to recognize miracles, blessings, and opportunities.
I've been meeting with a therapist trying to work through some things that have happened at work over that past few years. One thing that we discussed this week was the fact that a lot of people have a hard time just being quiet. They can't sit by themselves and be still. Phones come out bringing a world of distraction and people are so happy to be lost in the discontent otherwise known as the internet. The question that started this conversation was "what would make you happy right now?" That's not a hard or loaded question at all. It's been on my mind. A LOT. I don't know if I have a good or perfect answer, but there are small things that I have been incorporating in my life that have helped a lot.  I have sewed 2 baby blankets and 2 quilts this year. I have been reading a lot more than I have in my more recent past. (I think I'm up to 10 books this year so far.) I've been coloring? That's new for me, but it's been nice.
I've been re-evaluating what makes me happy, where I currently am, and where I want to be. I think the thing that I have realized is that until I make myself a priority, no one else will. No one can tell me what will make me happy. No one will tell me to do the things that will make me happy. I have to do this myself.  Reading this makes me feel like I am not exactly an optimistic or happy person. I am. I have prided that quality in myself for a long time. I am learning that there are multiple kinds of optimism.  The optimism that I know is finding good in the world around me.  I'm good at that. I've learned to see miracles everywhere. The optimism that I am learning is to create my own. I can be the master of my destiny. I can act. I can create. I don't have to wait and find beauty. I can make it.

Thankful Sunday...magic

So...this is where the previously mentioned flight to Orlando gets explained.  I invited myself on a trip to Disney World with my brother's family.  I took a red-eye flight out of Salt Lake. I landed in Florida at 5 something in the morning and hit the ground running. We spent a day at Magic Kingdom, a day at Animal Kingdom, and a day at Epcot. I am so grateful that I got to go with little people.

Thankful Sunday...Be prepared

So I missed writing this one last week, but I have thought about it all week long.  Last Sunday night I caught a plane to Orlando (more on that to come), but only after a nearly two and a half hour drive to get to the airport.  It was the middle of a storm. Traffic moved slowly and people were irresponsible on the roads. My driver was willing to slow down, take his time, follow the big trucks, pull over to make sure that he could see through his windshield, and just make sure that he got me to the airport safely. We made it. He was prepared; we were safe. I was so grateful. 

Thankful Sunday...Perspective

I went snow shoeing with a couple of friends yesterday.  Quiet and nature have a tendency to make me think.  We were talking about books when one of us stopped rather dramatically to look at a bug making it's way across the snow.  It was probably in the 40s, but she was still flabbergasted by the fact that the bug was not hibernating, but wandering around on the snow.  When she stopped to inspect it, it quit moving and the thought came to my mind that it was trying to blend in. You know...with the dirt. If I don't move, they won't see me, yes? Then for some reason I thought of the life span of a bug. That poor bug probably won't know anything other than a world covered with snow. While I love winter, I can't imagine a life with nothing but winter. It made me exceptionally grateful for a lifespan that allows for seasons-multiple times over. I'm grateful that I live in a part of the world that has seasons.  There's nothing quite like a summer evening.  There's nothing like a first snowfall. There's nothing quite like a meadow covered with snow. Lucky me gets them all.
Other moment of perspective.  I went to the movies on Friday night.  I saw Mary Poppins Returns. It won't win any awards. It won't change the world. I enjoyed it very much and it was exactly what I needed.  As I have been setting goals for this year and for my life the question that keeps crossing my mind is 'What do I need?' I don't know. I guess that's why it's the question for the year. I had a perfect moment of clarity while I was sitting in the dark, watching the street lighters dance and do tricks on their bikes. That's what I need. I need to slow down, enjoy a movie, spend time with those dear to me, and listen and watch for those moments of clarity.  They're there. The trick is to watch for them.

Thankful Sunday...

I'm thankful that the government is up and running again. I hope that the powers that be can continue to work together.

Thankful Sunday: Rexburg, Idaho

I just got home from a fabulous weekend. Traditionally this is my girl power weekend. For the past 3 years, I have gone to Bryce Canyon with a dozen women who are brilliant, successful, happy, and inspiring.  We have skied, snow shoed, and hiked. We play games and laugh and learn and grow from each other. It's one of my favorite weekends of the year.  Due to the current government shutdown and some crazy schedules, we opted to not go to Bryce this year. One of these dear friends of mine just purchased a house in Rexburg, Idaho.  She teaches at BYU-Idaho. We decided to go check out her new home take advantage of the great Idaho snow at Mesa Falls and Harriman State Park.  It was a fabulous weekend. Somehow, in the planning of this weekend, I missed the fact that I was going BACK to Rexburg. It didn't hit me until we got off the freeway. I went to Ricks College and BYU Idaho. I started the process of defining myself as an adult.  I learned how to live with people who were not immediate family.  I made new friends, some of whom are still my friends 17 years later. (It's mind-boggling that I can say that.) I learned how to think for myself. I learned how to find people who agree with me. I learned how to deal with people who disagree with me. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia when I saw the hill. There's a temple on the horizon now and there isn't a place in the world that isn't more deserving of it.
This weekend only made my love of southeast Idaho stronger. We snowshoed in a beautiful storm, clear air, and with great company. We ate good food (Big Juds!!!), played games, and new to the weekend, we did yoga (one of the girls is a counselor for battered women and children and a therapeutic yoga instructor. She wins ALL the points.) I came home relaxed and rejuvenated. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me. He sent me to Rexburg when I needed to be there so I could meet the people that I needed to meet. He has given me the friends that I need now to get me through my current set of trials. I am watched over and blessed and grateful for it.

Thankful Sunday: Books. Good books.

Yesterday I woke up without an alarm clock and planned to not leave my bed until I finished reading a book that I had had been given for Christmas.  I did leave my bed briefly to eat pancakes, (shout out to the roommate for that one!) but returned quickly to finish TASTING THE SKY: A PALESTINIAN CHILDHOOD. Not going to lie...this is not what I typically would have picked off the shelf at the library or the bookstore, but I'm grateful for friends with different taste from my own. The protagonist found a friend as a refugee during the Six-Day War in a piece of chalk.  Her friend was Alef, the first letter of the Arabic alphabet.  As time went on and she learned and grew, she realized that Alef had other friends and that she was able to find another world in letters and words.  How many times has this happened to me?!  Throughout my life, I have found many friends through letters and words, the March sisters, the Alden siblings, Huckleberry Finn, the Bennets and Darcys and Bingleys, Reuven Malter and Danny Saunders, there are entire worlds...I think I could literally list a thousand friends that I have found through books. I have found strength in their struggles. I have found peace in their wisdom.  I am grateful that I found a love for them all at an early age and that love has continued with me into adulthood.

Thankful Thursday...

As I thought about goals that I would like to set for this year, one thing that kept crossing my mind was gratitude.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and studying on the power of positivity and the changes that gratitude cause in my attitude.  I had a friend that for a couple of semesters had a "Thankful Thursday" every week and posted one thing that she was grateful for.  I wanted to do that this year however Thursday came and went and I was too busy to put my thoughts on paper (or screen as the case may be). Instead, I think I am going to take advantage of an extra hour on my Sundays and organize my thoughts then.  That being said...

I am thankful for appreciation.  It is much easier to serve and work when you know that your efforts are appreciated. I am not a front and center kind of girl. I don't want to be an MVP, but it sure is nice to hear, "thanks for always being dependable and doing it right the first time and making sure that it all gets done." I should probably say things like that more...

Happy Sunday!

For President Faulkner

I got a message from an old mission companion.  Apparently President Faulkner's birthday is coming up and his daughter is trying to collect letters and emails from his missionaries as a gift.  I decided that I should probably keep a copy for me.

 

Hola Presidente!

Happy Birthday!  (only the best people have birthdays in December!) I've thought about writing you letters many times over the past couple of years, but never really knew exactly how to get it to you. I know, "no hay excusos", but life just happens sometimes.

The first letter I was going to write you was a couple Christmas' ago.  We got a new stake president and Elder Cook came to the meeting.  In his Saturday night talk, he spoke about missionaries and why and how they are assigned.  It echoed something I heard in the MTC.  Basically, he said that many times we are assigned not necessarily where we can do the most good, but with the mission president that can do us the most good.  I know...no pressure there.  You did good.  I learned so much.  Funny how 10 years (can we really say that!?!) can really put things into perspective.

*"No hay excusos" applies to so many more things than obedience as a missionary. 
*The church's statement in November about children of same sex parents rocked the world.  I've been working with the youth for the past 3 years and one of my young women asked me what I thought of the new policies. Because of experiences I had on the mission (specifically when we started baptizing families and not just people), I was able to give her a coherent answer and invite her to ask the Lord for her own understanding and peace. (She found the peace she needed and just got a mission call!)

*Hna Faulkner always told me to write down experiences that I had so that I wouldn't forget them. (That applies more now, but I'll get to that in a little bit.)

A few months ago a heard about your cancer.  That was another letter that I was going to write you.  I even bought a card for you and promptly lost it on my desk. (I promise that I'll send it when I finally find it.)  I wanted to thank you for everything, your love, your support, your sacrifice, your hard words (sometimes I needed to hear them), EVERYTHING!  I know, the mission doesn't need to be the best 18 months, but I would easily call them some of the most influential months of my life. You were part of that and you made sure that I was a part of that.

The most recent letter that I almost sent (and I guess that I am sending) came about a month after I found out about your cancer.  My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the end of September.  I'll agree with your daughters favorite hashtag, #CANCERSUCKS. As hard as it has been, I haven't been angry. I've never blamed the Lord and I've never questioned His plan.  Sometimes I wonder if that is active faith or an emotional apathy, but I'm sure I'll get that sorted out eventually. I guess the reason that I wanted to tell you that is because I wanted your advice on what I could do for her. You've been there. You've done the chemo thing. You know what it feels like.  I don't. I'm in Utah and she's in Nebraska and I want to help and be supportive, but it's a little more difficult when there are 2 states between you.  I know that the Lord is with her and taking care of her and I've seen more miracles over the past 3 months that I have at any other time since my mission. He's with me. He's taking care of me. He's giving me the opportunity to see and remember these miracles.  I've been writing a lot more lately and it has been good to remember and even more than that it's been therapeutic! Who would have guessed!?! (Thanks Hermana!)

I mentioned active faith and emotional apathy.  This is something that I've been thinking about for a few years.  For a while, I adopted "life happens" as a mantra. I had a job that I didn't love and didn't feel like I was progressing in my life. I decided it was depressing.  I found Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Life does happen. Cancer happens. Bad jobs happen.  Single adulthood happens.  So many things happen that could easily make us unhappy, upset and even angry.  Just because these things happen doesn't mean that they have to separate us from our Heavenly Father.  We can choose to see His love and His guiding influence or we can choose to not.  I choose to find His love. 

I hope you and your family are finding that love too.

Merry Christmas!

and

Happy Birthday!!!

Much love,

Hermana Williams

So it's been more than a year...

A good friend of mine sent me a message the other day:

you ever blog any more?

So I've thought about it. I haven't. It's been a really long time. Actually, I haven't really written anything: letters, journals...anything. Even emails have been strictly professional. That makes me really sad. I used to write a lot. My degree is in English. Theoretically I should make a living off of writing. Funny how technology has changed things. I don't need to write anymore because there are now 12 other ways to communicate what my childhood pen pal our parents sent in letters.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (but that is a completely different story for another day) and I'm trying to get back to my roots-back to expressing myself through words. Today seems to be an appropriate day for me make some of those observations.

Gratitude changes EVERYTHING!

I am grateful for trials.
I am grateful for opportunity to grow in trials.
I am grateful for modern medicine.
I am grateful for miracles.
I am grateful for the faith of others.
I am grateful for the power of optimism.
I am grateful for surrogate families.
I am grateful for opportunities that I don't ask for.
I am grateful for technology that allows me to communicate with my family.
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that has enough patience to work with my learning curve.
I am grateful for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and the comfort that it brings to my life.
I am grateful for second chances.
I am grateful for holidays that give me time to think.

Happy Thanksgiving!

make it awesome.

Volunteered by the Lord, eh?

I got this email from a friend the other day.

I’m in the middle of making some very important personal decisions and I need some help. This morning as I was praying to know what I could do today to move closer to determining the answers, I felt to send this email specifically to this group. So, no pressure or anything, but God volunteered you. ;-)

Obviously the decisions are mine to make. What I’m seeking from you is your perspectives and experiences, specifically as it relates to some ideas I’ve been pondering for the last few days. On my mind has been the idea of “best” as it relates to Elder Oaks’ talk about good, better, and best. I know that too often in my life I’ve chosen to occupy my life with a lot of really good, even great stuff, and I produce a lot of good, even great results. However, during General Conference, I felt the Spirit urging me to leave behind the good and the great to focus on the best—what is for my best good; what will provide the best opportunities to develop my faith in Christ and have the best and most intimate relationship with Him; what will best increase my capacity to participate in the Lord’s work; and what will yield the best opportunities to serve and receive the best blessings for me and for others? Bishop Stevenson’s urging to utilize the “4 minutes” we have in this life put into perspective the urgency to no longer settle for what’s great or even the penultimate best (or as my BFF Julie said once “almost the best, second only to the best” – haha) because I don’t have any more time to waste on good and better.

As I’ve been evaluating choices I need to make and opportunities presented, my key objective is to identify the best ones and pursue them—except that I’m having some trouble distinguishing best from some really, really good, “I could do this and bring a lot of good to people” options. My brain is brilliant and can make a “best” case for almost all of the options I’m considering, which is all the more confusing because I can’t possibly pursue all of them simultaneously. There’s something I’m missing, some “best” identifier that will help me distinguish the best from all of the rest. But I can’t seem to figure that out.

How do you identify what’s best and what’s just really, really great?

What does best look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, smell like, etc to you?

How would you expect the fruits of best to differ from the fruits of really great (or even from penultimate best)?

What other qualifiers do you use to identify best from among the goop of great and good?

Any and all insights will be welcomed, appreciated, and seriously considered. I highly value your opinions. You may respond to the group email or email me separately, or talk to me in person—whatever you prefer. Thank you in advance for your help.

No pressure.

Right. Three days later this is the response that I came up with.  I'm still not sure that I've completely processed my thoughts and the more I think about it the more I understand how books are written. But here it is...for better or worse.

Volunteered by the Lord, eh?  So I've now been thinking about this for 3 days.  Maybe you felt inspired to ask me so I'd have to think about it.  I don't know.  I do have a few thoughts though.  Do with them what you will. 

4 minutes.  Good. Better. Best.

I think I get caught up in the "best" and forget about the "good".

A couple of stories:

1)  Once upon a time I drove to Ephraim by myself.  I was tired.  One of my "stay awake while driving" tactics in the car is to eat, so I planned on taking healthy snacks to keep myself awake.  I don't like carrots, but they are healthy so I tried to trick myself into eating them.  I did.  I ate an entire pound of carrots in 2 hours on my way to Ephraim.  Yay me.  I ate my veggies.  My mom was so proud.  I was so proud.  I ate my carrots!!!

2)  My freshman year our Relief Society presidency gave us a booklet and a challenge "40 Days Closer to Christ".  We read the Book of Mormon as an apartment in 40 days. All six of us did it together.  Not going to lie, it was not always a pleasant experience.  Sometimes it was late at night, sometimes we were cranky, but we did it together.  I've tried (not always successfully) to recreate that personally a few times over the years. I've never had the same experience.

 

Okay. How do these apply?

Sometimes I feel like the "best" things are some grandiose gesture.  I mean, that is the definition of best, isn't it?  the biggest?  the highest quality?  the most advantageous? The word "best" is a superlative.  It's supposed to be awesome, right? I'm not so sure. I ate a pound of carrots once.  What good did that do me?  I can say I did it.  Nutritionally, meh. Maybe it helped some, but probably not as much as I would like to think it did.  My body absorbed all it needed and rejected the rest.  I still needed to eat my veggies the next day, and the day after, and the day after that.  Eating a pound of carrots in 2 hours didn't really help my nutritional needs for that week.  It would have been better if I had taken my 1/2 cup to cup of carrots and saved the rest for when I needed them.  Am I making sense?  Let's talk about the Book of Mormon.  Have you heard about the Translation challenge?  Read the Book of Mormon in the time it took to translate the book?  It started April 7th. It's approximately 6 pages a day or something like that.  Does to Lord require a grand gesture that we read the Book of Mormon in the time it took to translate it, or in 40 days, or in a month? I don't think so.  I think he just wants us to read the Book of Mormon.  He wants us to learn from it.  To cherish it. 

Today in Sunday School we talked about Moses and manna.  The children of Israel had to learn to trust the Lord.  He would provide for them. Every. Day. If they tried to take more than they needed for that one day, it spoiled. He knew what they needed.  He knows best.  

Now.  How does this define "the best" or the "penultimate best" or "the goop of good"?  It doesn't.  Sorry.  I do believe though, that if we are living as the Lord directs us through the promptings of the Spirit we will find it.  It's the small "good" things that allow us to draw close to the Spirit.  If at the end of the day we can look at our day and say that we have done all we can do to draw close to the Lord and do as he has asked, I think it's a successful day and probably the best it could have been.  While the Lord demands perfection, He doesn't demand that we do it alone.  Our best requires His help and that's okay. He actually planned it that way.

I have a procrastination problem.

I should be watching a video for work right now.  I don't want to know what Jasmine has to say about insurance and collections so I'm here. Writing nonsense. Because that is the best stuff to write. Right? I also really want to eat chocolate, but that doesn't work either.  No stress eating.  I had an AMAZING weekend.  I went to San Fransisco for a girl's weekend. I'll write more about that later.  Hope to add pictures too.  I think I have procrastinated sufficiently.  Going to be productive now.

stuff, or maybe stiff would be more appropriate...

It has been absolutely beautiful this weekend.  I went snow shoeing yesterday.  And the day before.  Days and activities like these make the winter worth it.  Yesterday we took a friend that had never been before and she took it like a champ.  She didn't even trip!  Can't say as much about the rest of us.  Apparently the trail we went on was an ideal location for snow men?  We passed 8-10 of them in 3 miles; tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, incomplete ones, dying ones...they were all there.  Kind of felt like I was walking through a Calvin and Hobbes comic book. As we were talking the newbie through the beginning of snow shoeing, we told her that in deeper snow we find muscles that we forgot we had.  Pretty sure that happens with many activities that we do, but I am most recently fascinated by the effects of snow shoeing on my calves. Oh boy. There was not an overwhelming amount of snow yesterday.  We saw people on the trail just hiking. I don't understand why the calves gave me so much grief.  I'll get over it, I always do.

Things that make me happy...

1) Thai food
2) blue sky and sunshine
3) warm fuzzy electric throw blankets
4) Excel spread sheets
5) new calendars

Happy New Year

It's January 3rd.  There are 362 days left in 2014.  I have a lot of time left to do a lot of things.  In 2013 my New Years Resolutions were all based on the word "choose".  Choose to act rather than be acted upon.  Choose to be important.  Choose to be in control of your own life.  All in all, I consider 2013 to have been a successful year.  I lost 40 pounds.  I got a promotion and a raise.  I learned a lot about myself and feel like I gained a lot of tools to implement in the future. 2014 will be a good year for implementation.  This year's word is "progress".  Take it and run with it.  I know what works and I know what I have to do to make it work.  It's all up to me.  This year is my year. Happy 2014 friends.  Make it your year too. 

I'm going to preface this with, "I'm a nice person, I promise." Having said that, I'm not the easiest person in the world to get a hold of.  I usually forget my phone exists once I get home from work.  I spend most of my days on the phone or on hold and I just don't feel an overwhelming desire to continue the cycle in the comfort of my own home.  

Wanna guess what I'm doing?  

Right now?  

I'm on hold.  

Yup. Just ate dinner and have now moved on to blogging as I sit next to my phone and listen to the "your hold time is x minutes" announcements. I'm down to 7 minutes.  Yay me.  Why would I be doing this?  Good question.  I'm going home for Thanksgiving.  It's been seven years since I was home for turkey, Aunt Dorice's pies, and the Nebraska bowl game.  It's about time, right?  That's what I thought.

Good news!!! They picked up! and I'm going home!!!

Can I tell you how happy I am that it's 79 degrees at 8:40pm?
My heart is happy.
I feel so blessed this evening.
I have a body,
It heals on its own.
I have a family that loves me.
Especially a mom.
I have a house with air conditioning.
I can sit on the porch.
I planted 40 petunias.
Then the cottonwood tree snowed.
I took zyrtec
And can still enjoy the back yard.
I have a warm fuzzy bed.
I'm curious to see what this week will bring.
I know the blessings will continue.

Springtime insights

*I remembered to take out my contacts tonight. Definite progress.
*I proved Brady's 9:00 rule last week.  Anything you try to do after 9:00 pm you can do better in half of the time tomorrow. I also learned how to make yellow cake from scratch.
*I've been running more.
*Spring still makes me sneeze.
*While watching TOP GEAR I realized that I am a girlie girl.  Not because I know very little about cars, but because while they were talking about some car going 0 to 120 in x minutes, I was thinking about my new flat iron that will go from 0 to 450 in 30 seconds.
*Going to an art museum tomorrow. Try to be cultured.